Dear Americans,

I hope you had a wonderful Memorial Day. But I digress.

Shockingly, according to my calculations, roughly 300,000,000 of you have not bought my book The Bible Tells Me So: Why Defending Scripture Has Made Us Unable to Read It. 

It’s been out since September.

I’m not sure what the problem is, folks, but for those of you who need a little shove, here you go:

1. The book is bright yellow and acts as its own energy source.
2. It has a symbol of a … sword and … heart thingy that is calculated to lure you in by confusing you.
3. I don’t waste your time (or mine) with footnotes to support my claims.
4. It’s loaded with fresh ideas for how to upset your pastor or Bible study leader.
5. God told me to write it.
6. My friends told me not to.
7. I use words like dipwad, sucks, Klingon, Herman Munster, Balrog, moron, and Justin Bieber.
8. Neo-Calvinists, in Christian love and to the glory of God, have burned me at the stake in absentia over it.
9. Southern Baptists break 4 commandments just thinking about it.
10. Jesus himself endorsed the book (but we had to cut his blurb because there wasn’t enough room on the back cover).

Need I go on? No, I didn’t think so.

I’d like to cut that 300,000,000 in half by the end of the month, so thanks in advance.